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what can brown do for you?
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Monday, April 21, 2003
11:30, monday night. bored out of my skull. options include: staring at one of several fluorescent screens. what a spring break. today i swam in the rain. it was interesting. i felt savage, like those old ladies that swim in geysers at 6 in the morning in those Metamucil commercials. that is, until i realized my only way of getting home was on a bike that looks and sounds like a rusted meat grinder. small children run for their mothers when they hear me coming. Easter came, Easter passed, and if i see one more jelly bean im going to have a massive coronary. I went to church Sunday (gasp) and sat through 3 hours of organized religion i will never agree with. which reminds me...i have a world civ essay to write. blast. anyway, all that sitting made me sit (as opposed to...) and think about stuff. about God, about human nature as a whole...all that philosophical sappy crap that usually makes me want to ralph. everytime someone wants a change, they invent a new religion. i want my questions answered, they say. i want to live in the name of Christ. blah blah blah. something tells me Christ didnt come here to tell you not to drink caffeine and to wait until youre 16 to date. make your choices, thats fine. but why does everyone have to make the same ones. why wake up every morning and button up your cardigan, thinking about how good you are to live with such high moral standards. pity those without a religion...they are unfortunate, you say. well, screw that. i wake up every day knowing im one more day closer to being dead. ooo, deep, isn't it? not really...only if you're afraid of death. why waste all your time sitting in a church and wringing your hands, fearing that the day you die you might not be resurrected...you might just die. just live. trees, flowers, bumble bees, burly construction workers...all made of the same energy and will all perish into one another. i dont really know why everyone spends so much time contemplating everything and judging everything...including myself. im tired. mentally weary of monotonous criticism and worry. 15 years. sure, i laugh. just, tired of people. people are great, but there is such a concept of too much of a good thing. teenagers. i have 4 more years of calling myself one. teenagers are commies. gum-chewing, giggly, unintelligent conformist mallrats. if i had a dollar for every one i saw in a day, i'd have at least enough to buy a small strawberry farm and move away from them. analyzation, this is what happens to me when im alone. nothing else to do except sit and analyze. i'll look back on this in, say, a week and think to myself "what the fuck was wrong that day". and really, nothing was.
11:52 PM
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